Trust Issues, End

I wasn’t’ aware until my adulthood that my mother had low self-esteem. That fact kind of surprised me. When I was young, my mother made me feel as if problems were my fault, without me the family would be happy, close and undamaged and I believed her. I hated myself. Back then, I knew quite a few of my mother’s triggers and used them to fuel her anger when I was already damned.  Making her angrier made me feel more powerful, even while she was trying so hard to bringing me down. I can understand, now, that by her attempt to make me feel small and powerless, she was gaining more control and esteem from my inability to defend myself. 

 I'm in my forties. I never married. I don't want other people's crap. I'm a minimalist. If I have more than I need, it goes. I donate. I sell. I trash it. I also didn't breed. I never found it fare to create new life for this broken world. School shootings became a fad in the mid 1990's and people were only getting worse. 

My work as a nanny allowed me to see families that had seemingly everything but ignored their offspring. Reproducing has become a selfish act. I hear, "I want to make something that's me, or us," "I want to make up for what I didn't have," "If I don't birth grandkids, my parents will cut me off." See? The world is a sad place.